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East:
It's discovered the rims at Continental Airlines Arena were an inch higher than regulation during the regionals. The baskets are adjusted, and the do-overs are played on Tuesday and Wednesday. A pre-law Vanderbilt reserve runs across an obscure NCAA rule from the 60's stipulating if a team plays two schools within ten miles of each other, the neighboring schools can combine rosters for the rest of the tourney. As a result, Georgetown faces off against a Vanderbilt team augmented with Belmont's best players. The added scoring of Justin Hare proves enough to avenge the Commodores' one-point loss to Georgetown in the sweet sixteen. UNC throttles Vandy in the regional finals because, let's face it, a Vanderbilt-Belmont Frankenstein ain't exactly the Dream Team.
South:
A beat reporter rocks the nation on Friday with an expose in the Houston Chronicle unveiling that Greg Oden is not a 19-year-old prodigy but instead a 38-year-old CBA veteran who exhausted his collegiate eligibility playing for the University of San Francisco in the late 70's. The scandal builds up to tipoff, and all hell breaks loose when the NCAA disqualifies the Buckeyes during pre-game lay-ups. Tournament officials try to contact Memphis, who lost to OSU in the elite eight, but the Tigers are coping with last week's blowout at a no-phones yoga retreat in up-state New York. Suddenly, a mariachi band behind the visiting basket rip off their mustaches and ditch their ponchos - it's the Texas A&M team, who, on one hand, has no right to take OSU's spot, but, on the other hand, is dressed and ready to play. Under pressure from CBS, its advertisers, and 71,250 angry fans, the selection committee grudgingly allows the Aggies take the court.
West:
On my way to work Tuesday morning, I'm pulled off the train by an MIT physicist who asks me to test drive his master's thesis - a time machine built from a Soloflex. I crank out a set of Dorsi bar pulldowns which jumps me back to March 14th, where I rejigger my West bracket and make a bet with Julie in marketing. If it rains on the 20th, she buys me dinner.
Midwest:
Jerry Tarkanian's old office at UNLV is cleaned out, unearthing a file cabinet filled with crusty towels and evidence linking the team to an array of NCAA major violations and first-degree felonies. The Runnin' Rebels run smack into the death penalty, meaning my Badgers are given new life. Wisconsin's Brian Butch visits a witch doctor who feeds him a cured rabbit tendon that miraculously heals his dislocated elbow, enabling his low post prowess to power the Badgers past Oregon. The state of Florida is nuked by Iran, resulting in a Gator forfeit and a Final Four of Wisconsin, Texas A&M, UCLA, and UNC.
Final Four:
UNC dominates A&M early on, but in the second half Duke's Gerald Henderson leaps from the stands and piledrives Tyler Hansbrough. Police arrest Henderson, despite Billy Packer insisting over replay that Henderson was merely going for the ball. The Hansbrough-less Tarheels fear for their lives, and the Aggies march on to the final.
The daughter of the UCLA trainer gets expelled from the university for plagiarism, and in revenge the trainer spikes the team's Gatorade with LSD. The tripping Bruins manage to hang with Wisconsin through regulation (what was I thinking when I picked Wisconsin?), but in the second overtime the UCLA frontcourt become convinced the Badgers' Alando Tucker is a giant angry grizzly bear and won't get within fifty feet of him. The Badgers use this advantage to squeak out a three-point victory.
Kobe Bryant, fresh off his streak of four consecutive 50-point games, deems the NBA no longer challenging and enrolls in the veterinary medicine program at the University of Wisconsin. With an assist from his lawyers, Kobe secures eligibility in time to start at two-guard for the Badgers in the championship game. Kobe goes for 62 in the first half and spends the rest of the game in the CBS production truck ensuring the One Shining Moment montage consists only of him. The Badgers cut down the nets. I'm an office legend. |
